Church? Help Jesus instead.

The other day,  I met many Jesuses.   They were hungry and lonely. I helped to feed them.  They were mentally ill, physically sick, confused, wheelchair bound, and desperate.  They were all in great need.  I drove one on them to his deteriorating house.  I listened to another one who complained of stomach pain. I could have been at home enjoying a relaxing day with my family.  But I was blessed to have the opportunity to serve these Jesuses instead.  I felt the presence of God, and did not set foot on a church.  I am sharing this to give God the glory, not myself. Please do not congratulate me or praise me for this, I just want to get this message across: Church should be on the streets.

This is why I strongly believe that attending church should involve the following:

Instead of raising hands in praise….take the hands and reach out to feed the hungry.

Instead of going to a temple or synagogue… go to prisons and nursing homes to visit the forgotten.

Instead of kneeling to pray… kneel to talk to orphans and homeless people who sleep on the cold floor.

Instead of singing hymns…. sing to a crying baby whose mother just died of AIDS or is waiting to be adopted.

Instead of listening to a preacher’s sermon…..listen to the cries of a beaten man or a raped woman.

Instead of listening to what a particular church has to say about how to handle your money…..  listen to your heart when a smelly, unkempt  person asks for a quarter.

Instead of worrying about how to have people “saved”…. worry about how to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Instead of reading and memorizing Bible verses…practice what the Bible says.

Before you shake hands with your “brothers and sisters in Christ”…remember the Jesuses that are waiting outside the church.

Greater than Jesus

Can we do the things Jesus did?  He said we could, and more.

Jesus said “You will do greater things than what I have done” (John 14:12)

He  called us “light of the world” and “salt of the earth”.

Does this mean we are still sinners, or simply immature people growing to do greater things?

He did not want to be called “good man”, because he knew that only God is good,

And he did not claim to own any land, house, or any possession.

So if we are to do greater things, we should not assume we are good or own anything.

He did not want to be made a king by force, and neither should we assume any authority.

Can we turn the other cheek and refrain from retaliating?

Can we love those who hate us, even if they persecute us and try to kill us?

Can we forgive seventy times seven and help those who are considered enemies?

Jesus did, and he said we could do greater things.

Is it possible to walk the extra mile when someone asks us to walk just one?

And feed the poor when we have our own problems to deal with?

Can we fight for peace and justice even though it is not popular to do so?

Jesus did, and he said we could do greater things.

God is not your God

We usually invent God. We have a tendency to create our own “Gods” to fit our selfish concept of what life is about.  We tend to fabricate a divine being so that we can justify our individual ambitions and world views.  If I am usually angry or dissatisfied with life, I create a God that punishes and brings justice.  If I am grateful, I create a merciful and forgiving God.  If I am materialistic and ambitious, I create a God who provides. If I have little interest in the meaning of life,  I create a distant God who does not require much of my attention.  Instead of  searching God with no prior assumption, we prefer to have a concept of what God should be and then live based on this assumption.  We are usually too full of our own interpretations and preconceived ideas of the meaning of life.  We try to manipulate God.

In Taoism, the word “wu” refers to emptiness, or not having desires or the state of mind characterized by simplicity, quietude, patience, frugality and restraint. It is an emotional or psychological stance associated with the lack of worldly desire.  To desire to have a lot, and to consume as much as possible, creates a lack of space for God. Therefore, we create a God that accommodates to our own selfish approach of a full life, according to our definition of life.  But God should define us, not the other way around.

Being empty handed brings out a more accurate experience of God.  What do I mean by this?  Jesus taught that “blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”  In other words, erase our pre-conception of what life should be, and fill ourselves with the real meaning of Life and God.  I acknowledge this is easier said than done, which is why Jesus also described it as the “narrow path.”  David wrote “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want” (Psalm 23:1)  In the second letter to  Corinthians (3:5), Paul teaches that only God makes us competent.  What makes us rich is not our materialistic possessions, but the simplicity and humility that only the true God gives.

I recently heard the news that one of my distant aunts is in a comma.  She is dying.  This kind of news reminds me of the limitations of this life.  It makes me wonder even more “what is all of this really about? Why do we live to eventually die at the end?”  What am I supposed to think? Why is God unfair?  God must have a purpose?  If I have expected God to be merciful, I would be disappointed.  If I have assumed God to be punitive, then I question why is He punishing us?  If I thought of God as distant, it would distant God even more from me.  What am I to think about God in difficult situations like this?  Can I simply not judge God at all and accept it as it is?  If we practice  being “poor in spirit” and “emptiness”, I think the answer is yes.

Which kind of God do you believe in?  What kind of world view defines your God? Do you dare empty yourself, deny yourself, and allow God to define your life?

Is Heaven Possible?

Is it possible to have a society where people voluntarily give others what they need, to the point of ending poverty and hunger? Is it attainable to live in a country where medical care, food, and shelter are strictly handled as human rights and, therefore, free of any charge?  I dream of a society where people treat each other with respect and dignity.  Where citizens do not talk to each other because of hopes of obtaining some personal gain, but because of genuine care.  A society where the needs of others are as important as the need of the self.  The current government has tried to help those in great need through mandatory federal programs, such as social security, Medicaid, Medicare, etc.  But the problem remains.  I am not an expert in economics, politics, or finances.  I am just an ordinary citizen who realizes that this country- this world- needs to change for the better.  It is sad to stop and realize that the poor continues to be poor, and the rich continues to be rich.  I am not a socialist, which is why I believe that a society where people give voluntarily would be the best one.  But my question remains, is this even  possible?

I have wanted to work in a place where I serve the poor, but I have found myself doing a lot of administrative work instead.  The ordinary routine of everyday life remains the main barrier to living this dream I have.  It prevents me from living the Kingdom.  Instead, it has become a living hell. And hell is exactly what so many of these needy people experience on a daily basis, in the midst of wars, abuse, abandonment, and financial crisis.   So many barriers, bureaucracy, politics, and rules that do not permit me from doing what I want to do.  My heart hurts when I see the continuation of the injustice and suffering of the “least of these”.  I can say that hell surely exists here on earth, but what about heaven?  Does it exist here on earth?

Jesus said that I should be blessed for having “hunger for righteousness”.  Am I truly blessed?  Jesus told Pilate “My Kingdom is not of this world” and also “I came to be the witness of the Truth”.  Was he trying to start a new society, which he called the Kingdom of Heaven?  Was he trying to start a new social and political movement, which was violently opposed  by the officers of the already settled society, which ultimately put Jesus to death, accusing him of blasphemy against the Jewish God, and revolution against the Roman empire?  And if so, did he fail or did he somehow managed to start this new society which is now called the church?

I recognize that this post has more questions than answers.  But the truth is that life in general has more questions that we must ask than the answers we can come up with.  I do know and believe that Jesus taught us to live on this earth as it is lived in heaven.  He commanded us to give up everything to the poor (Mark 10:21), to be  humble (Mathew 11:28) to have mercy (Mathew 5:7), to fight for righteousness and peace (Mathew 6:33), to have clean heart (Mathew 5:8 ), and to simply be like children (Mathew 18:2-6 ) among other things.  But first of all, he taught us to depend on God.  Can we do this as human beings?  Can we let go of our prejudices, biases, and self serving habits and start serving those that need it the most?  What does it take for us to move forward and live the Kingdom of Heaven?

Difficult Life

Life is difficult.  The Life that Jesus taught is even more difficult. He taught about how to live the Kingdom of Heaven and its rewards (Mathew 5:1-12), but it is an uphill battle.

Let me share something that serves as an example. Yesterday was a rough  day at work. I felt I was about to lose control.  I prayed this morning about God leading me, and giving me strength. But instead I encountered a hectic day.  I haven’t prayed as much as I have before.  And I believe (or want to believe) that God is putting me in difficult situations so that I can “hit rock bottom” and reach out to Him.  Well that is exactly what happened yesterday.  I cried out to Jesus like I haven’t done in a while.  Whether or not this will work out, I am not sure, but I was in a state of desperation.  Am I going to reach out to God only when I am in a crisis or desperation?  I have even almost forgotten to practice daily what I believe is the reason for being: Living the Kingdom of Heaven.  Although this mainly entails serving the poor and loving others as I love myself, I am not able to do this if I don’t first humble myself, forgive others, be honest, stop worrying about material things, etc.  And, since I don’t learn the easy way, I guess I will have to learn the hard way.  So last night I cried like a baby, pleading God to give me strength.   I was praying like this because out of coincidence (or a message sent to God) I was listening to the radio on my way back from work and noticed  the song “Make you Stronger” my Madissa.  Was this a reminder from the Almighty about my current situation?  Am I supposed to be stronger after all of this tribulation?  Well, that is my hope, since I don’t think I can withstand this unless I am actually gaining some strength.

The life that Jesus taught, I mentioned at the beginning of this post, is even more difficult.  I believe so because he taught some outrageous things that we must do to live the Kingdom of Heaven.  Hatred is equal to murder and prefers forgiving each other than sacrifice  (Mathew 5:21-22). Lust is the same as adultery (Mathew 5:27). To swear is evil (Matthew 5:37).  We should love our enemies (Ouch!) so that we can be like God  (Mathew 5:38-45).  How can we possibly love those who hate us?  Who can possibly do such a thing?  And also we are supposed to turn the other cheek, walk the extra mile, and forgive 70 x 7. This sounds more difficult that what I am going through now.  So then, how can I experience the things that Jesus taught us to practice, if I cannot bare what I am living right now?

What I am trying to get at is that I have tried to know God with my own strengths.  I admit it.  And what I have learned lately is that I need to slow down and don’t worry so much about doing the right thing.  Having these difficult situations have helped me to realize this.  I need to wait (although I don’t want to) and allow these situations to humble me even more, because otherwise I am not going to be able to live the Kingdom of Heaven.

Please enjoy the music video that follows which has the lyrics of Madissa’s song “Make you Stronger”.  It brought tears to my eyes because it speaks exactly about what I have gone through.  It has been an inspiration.

God Magnified

Should I celebrate when a criminal is incarcerated? Am I supposed to share the same feeling that most people feel? I work with mentally ill people, and one of them just went to jail.  Every person I know despises him because of his abusive behavior.  Everyone hoped for this person to be put away for whatever reason.  And today it “finally” happened.  I have tried to have some hope for this individual. I really wanted him to succeed.  But his actions brought him back to jail.  The popular thought was that he deserved to be locked up.  And this popular belief made me go along with the flow.  I became paranoid because of the stories everyone shared about this person.  Having him in the community caused everyone to be guarded and anxious.  I was afraid of how violent he could have been.  But now he is in jail.  And for some reason, I feel sad.  Am I not supposed to be happy? Am I not supposed to feel relieved that this criminal is behind bars?  While he was still in the community, I remember thinking how would God want me to approach this person?  What would Jesus do with a person like this?  Certainly not what everyone else was doing.  Certainly not how everyone else reacted to the news that he was put in jail.

In Mathew 5:48, Jesus commanded us to be perfect as God is perfect.  What exactly did this mean? Being perfect is associated with completion, fullness, without any need, purity.  What does it mean to be completed like God?  Imitating God is extremely difficult, but not impossible.  Reflecting the characteristics of God is challenging, but necessary in order to live the Kingdom of Heaven.  “Normal” people usually find happiness and joy when they have possessions, are well fed, and things usually go their way.  But for those who want to be perfect like God, happiness and joy usually happen for other reasons, like when they are needy, poor, and serving others who are undesirable.  Being humble, forgiving, meek, and peaceful is what makes a person more like God.  But of course, this is not popular nor encouraged in this world.  We are supposed to hate our enemies, seek for our own well being, compete, and always do what is convenient and easy in order to be accepted in this world.  But his world is full of darkness because of our selfishness.  We are called to be light of the world (Matthew 5:14).  We are called to love those who hate us (Matthew 5:43).  We are called to bless those who curse us.  We are called to forgive those who persecute us.  We are called to help those who want to harm us.  Crazy stuff, right?   Well, if this is irrational and weird, then so be it.  It is actually what we are called to be and do to manifest the Kingdom of Heaven.  Please, don’t misunderstand me.  I am not trying to brag about how “perfect” I am for feeling sad for this individual. This post is not about me, but about what God wants us to be. It is about how God can me magnified in our lives.

How do we then magnify God?  By singing hymns?  By loving those who love us?  By being nice to some people and hold grudges against those we dislike?  In order to glorify and actually magnify the love of God, we must suppress all those natural and popular characteristics that make us “normal”, like being excited that a criminal is put into jail, or being happy that our enemy is suffering.  Living a joyful life because we are blessing those who persecute us is all about how God wants us to live.  Being perfect is the way to glorify and magnify God.

Is this all there is to Life?

I admit it. I am the man that is double minded. I feel closer to God one day, and farther away the other. I have faith one day, and doubt the next.  I feel encouraged to pray or reflect today, and tomorrow I don’t want to hear anything about God or Jesus. I am easily influenced by circumstances. I am the man described by the book of James in the Bible which says that “because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do (Ch. 1:7-8).”

I need to be honest about who I am, I don’t want to do what I used to do in the past.  I used to pretend that I firmly believe in everything that other Christians claim to be the ultimate truth.  I used to force myself to pray in certain ways simply because it was what was expected.  It was strictly religion.  But what I do now is to be open to various interpretations.  No, I am not creating my own religion, although I may be doing exactly this without noticing it.  Neither am I agnostic, because I believe there is a God. But I am not sure who or what this God really is. Although sometimes I can feel Him very close to me.  And sometimes I do not.  I am inconsistent.  The book of Revelation  claims that Jesus says “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth (Ch. 3:15-16).” This is a strong message, stating that Jesus will reject me when I am inconsistent.  It says He wishes I am either hot or cold.  Does this mean he will accept me if I am consistently away or close to God?  I don’t believe so.  But this same chapter continues with Jesus saying that people who are lukewarm say they are “rich”.  I don’t claim this, although I sometimes fall under the erroneous presumption that I am already heading towards that right direction, failing to be “poor in spirit”, as Jesus said he prefers us to be in order to have the Kingdom of Heavens (Matthew 5).  I understand also that this chapter refers to a particular early church in Laodicea. Should I interpret it pertaining exclusively to this historical church, or also to the present lukewarm church, like myself?  Don’t know.

But I read further in this passage, and feel a strange inspiration when I come across the statement that says “  Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.  Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.”  Sometimes I hear the door knocking, but I am afraid to open it.  I am afraid that when I open the door there is nothing on the other side.  I am afraid of living an illusion.  But I am also afraid of not opening the door, because I might miss the greatest opportunity ever.  You see, I have opened the door before, or so I thought, and the joy was there, but with time, it disappeared, because of my double mind.  I feel tears in my mind while reading this passage, because I don’t want to reject God/Truth/Life.  But I don’t want to fool myself with empty hopes.  If God truly loves me, then He must be rebuking me and disciplining me, like this last verse says.  This is probably why I going through a spiritual tribulation.

I am also like Thomas, the disciple who doubted until he saw the resurrected Jesus. He told Thomas that those who believe without seeing are blessed (John 20:29).  Could this mean that I am not blessed if I keep looking for evidence instead of having bling faith?  I am certainly not completely happy and content.  But at the same time, if I am content, then I will not feel motivated to seek more of God.  I may be blessed and happy to simply believe, but I will not know more of God.  I also recently understood that having faith like “a seed of mustard”,  will enable me to do great things, which also means I don’t have to have great  faith (Luke 17:6).   I am not necessarily underestimating God’s power by looking for evidence, I may actually be glorifying Him even more if I keep searching to know more about the nature of His power.

If I am wrong for being double minded,  I can accept that.  What I cannot accept is that knowing God is simply believing everything that other “believers” claim.  I want more from God.  I want to actually feel closer to God, not be content with a few doctrines that is convenient to our selfish desires and cultural norms.  I don’t want to claim to believe certain things in order to be politically correct.  My goal should not be to please others, but God. I live in a constant spiritual struggle, which many might say is the “evil” versus the “good” in my body, like Paul describes in the letter of the Romans (Ch.7:1524).  But, is my doubting an evil thing?  I cannot accept this either. My understanding of evil is to be selfish and to exclude other people.  Doing good is to be inclusive, to love others regardless.  If I claim that my faith is the right one, and everyone else who thinks differently is wrong, then this is true evil.

So what I still have firmly is the thought and belief that I must serve others to live the Kingdom of Heaven.  This I don’t doubt.  It also does not mean to expect a reward, like this world only knows to do.  But to simply and genuinely reach out and help the poor, the hungry, the needy, the sick, the homeless, the mentally ill, the handicapped, and everyone else who is considered “the least of these”.  Jesus identified himself with these people.  I still hope that, by doing this, I will know God more, in spite of my many doubts.  In spite of my double mind.  Because what I see with my physical eyes cannot be all there is to Life.

 

Extremes are foolish.

No matter how much I struggle with my faith in God… no matter how much I tend to use my limited reason and knowledge to try to find a logical explanation for things, no matter how I try to be a fool by relying on my own wisdom, I always end up going back to asking God for his intervention and mercy.  There is always the realization that my human knowledge and reasoning is only a limited ability in this limitless universe.  We are great beings, but not the greatest.

I recently was clarified by some friends in the blogging world that according to James and Paul in the New Testament, If we claim that we are Christians and have faith, but continue to live sinful (selfish) lives, it does not mean that we have faith and simply need works to be justified and be “saved”.  It actually means that we still don’t have faith in the first place.  Having faith in Jesus and the Gospel is equal to living a life of genuine surrender to what Jesus commanded us to do: love our neighbors as ourselves.  If we claim that we have faith in Jesus, but continue to cheat, steal, lie, hold grudges, discriminate, create war, etc, then we really do not have this faith, and we simply have faith in our own strengths to be “good”, even though we might try to say we are doing God’s will.

Faith involves a genuine surrender, a profound change of life, not a superficial or self pleasing change of life.  Let me use an analogy.  If the mirror says that it can reflect my face, but I do not see my face in it because it is too dirty, then it has no reflection of my face even if it says it does.  The mirror’s claim that it reflects is false.  The faith that it has that it reflects my face is false.  It is dead faith.  But if it truly and genuinely decides to clean itself, and then it says it can reflect my face, then it will have true faith, because I will see my face reflected on it.  The mirror’s faith is proved by the reflection. My true faith will be reflected by my genuine lifestyle.

Now, we can engage in religious debates about what does it mean to be “saved”, if hell exists, whether non-believers go to Heaven or not, and so forth…. while the rest of the world suffers from hunger, injustice, wars, corruption, greed, and other selfish and sinful acts.  We are still distracted with doctrinal debates and romantic relationships with an ideal Jesus, while the reality of the injustice of this world continues.  The real Jesus, I believe, commanded us to fight for righteousness, to make peace, to be humble, to have clean hearts, to mourn, and to be poor in spirit.  Jesus taught us to be perfect as God is perfect.  This is salvation.

Driving down the road, I came across a sign in front of a church that read “God: And you think it’s hot here?”  What exactly is this message supposed to do?  Encourage people to turn to God for fear of burning up in hell?  I rather feel intimidated by this sign instead of encouraged or ministered!  This is being extreme.  Foolish.

So my thought is that it is a matter of balancing my life between being too rational to the point of denying the existence of God, and being too religious limiting my spiritual growth.  Either way would be foolish.   But staying in the middle, by maintaining faith and still use reason, is the best way to grow spiritually. I must avoid being too rational or too religious. Either way would separate me from God.

” For merely listening to the law does not make us right with God, it is obeying the law that makes us right in His sight. ” Romans 2:13

“The fool has said in his heart ‘there is no God'” Psalm 53:1

“

“Everyone therefore who hears these words of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man, who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat on that house; and it didn’t fall, for it was founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of mine, and doesn’t do them will be like a foolish man, who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat on that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.”

— Matthew 7:24–27

Can Faith and Reason Coexist?

More on faith.  I was reflecting today more on the story of Jesus when a follower asked Him to increase his faith, and Jesus said “If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain to move and it will move”.  I reflected that Jesus was teaching that whatever faith I have, it should be enough to be able to do great things.  I don’t have to try to have more faith in order to be able to do things, whatever faith I have should be sufficient.  Accepting my doubts is ok.  Accepting my limitation is fine.  This will allow me to let God do the rest through me.  One of my wonderful visitors confirmed this in her comment to my previous post.  Maybe I have been losing faith in my own effort, losing faith in my own strengths.  It is a matter of letting go, rest in Jesus (“come to me all of those who are tired, and I will make you rest”) and allow God to give me the will and the faith to continue serving in the Kingdom of Heaven.

I have also noticed other blogs where people are talking about the importance of faith.  Is it a coincidence or God trying to tell me something?  I have  encountered situations in my current life where my faith has been tested even further.  I have felt a few times to simply get on my knees (which I have not done in a while) and simply cry out to Jesus.  I have felt sometimes that maybe God is allowing me to go through difficult situations in my personal life, job, and external family  members’ lives to give me the opportunity to turn closer to Him. I have been asking for a more profound spiritual life.  Not a more religious life, but a more transcendent, genuine, and profound approach towards spiritual growth.  But, of course, I did not expect to go through difficult situations and worries as part of this growth.  But at the same time I ask myself, how else am I supposed to grow spiritually if it is not through tribulations?  I am reminded of Jesus’ words “In this world you will have tribulations” but he promised that He was going to send the Spirit.

But while I am reflecting on all of this, my rational side of the brain starts questioning again.  My reasoning starts turning its wheel which makes me think that I should not go back to the “superstitious beliefs” and “fantasy world” of waiting on an invisible God.  And this is what I have been living for the past year or so, a non-traditional spiritual lifestyle, but a different kind of spirituality. And it worked for a while, or so I thought.  I have learned to serve others as the way to live the Kingdom of Heaven, and I am starting to so this more at work.  And I sometimes question why did I ever follow a doctrine that kept me away from living the Kingdom of Heaven.  But my reasoning tries to dominate and tells me “Because you were blinded by wishful thinking”.  My faith and my reasoning are almost combating.  But then I question myself, should they be opposing each other at all?  Can’t faith and reason coexist?  I have a mind that questions and reflects.  Why should it be wrong to do this?  It is not the same as lusting, hating, or lying.  Questioning and doubting is simply my mind’s way of wanting to learn and to experiment.  Why should it be regarded as a sin?  But at the same time, why should believing in an invisible God be considered a fantasy or fairy tale?  Don’t we believe in the government, what the newspapers say, and other entities without evidence or proof?  I think there should be a time for faith, and a time for reasoning.  I am afraid of going back to useless religious doctrines.  But I am also afraid of slowly drifting away from God.  I simply want to find the Truth.  I recognize it is a journey, and it takes time.  I just hope I am in the right direction.

Am I losing faith?

I am not the person I used to be.  I used to pray to God frequently.  I used to regularly attend church.  I used to read the Bible a lot. But not anymore. Does this mean I am drifting away from God?  Does this mean I am less Christian?  Or worse, I am not Saved anymore?    For those of you who have followed my blog ( and thanks for visiting and commenting), know that I am not a traditional believer.  I was raised Catholic, then turned to a Pentecostal, and now I consider myself a Reflective Christian.  Reflective because I have learned to welcome doubts and questions as a way to grow spiritually.  Christian because I strongly believe in the message that Jesus taught us about the Kingdom of Heaven.  But I have found myself not having a close contact with God.  However, I am strictly talking about the traditional kneeling down and praying.  What I have been doing is reflecting more, reading the Gospel with a different perspective (when I have time), and trying to serve the people I live and work with with more compassion.  But lately I have been so busy and so tired, that I have forgotten to reflect, or pay.  And I have felt more stress and more fatigue.  I can imagine people of “more faith” suggesting that probably I need to seek God , attend church more, and so forth.  I can appreciate these suggestions, but I have tried those things before and did not work for me.  It might work for others.  I am not sure what will work so that I feel closer to God.  But God himself is a mystery to me, which I long to know more about.

This is why I have started with the simple message of “loving my neighbor as myself” by serving others unconditionally.  I guess I am doing some of this by working with the mentally ill people at my job.  But it is truly exhausting.  But at the same time, who said that living the Kingdom of Heaven was going to be easy?  I try to pray that God somehow brings me extra strength to continue to work with these people.  But I remain careless about reflecting (or praying) more about this life. I know I am rambling here, but I just wanted to express my thoughts in this post.  Maybe I have already turned closer to God and I have not noticed it yet.  Maybe I am actually growing in my faith by reflecting more on how to serve others, instead of thinking about when to read the Bible and figuring out the next time I can attend church.  I am no longer a religious person, like I used to be, but I can safely say that I have become more curious and reflective about the spiritual world.  So the question remains, am I losing faith?  I rather say that I have a different faith, and that I am growing in a different way.

Am I not Saved?  Salvation is rather a complicated word, to me.  I used to believe that it involves being saved from eternal damnation in a physical hell.  Now I believe differently.  Being saved is more like being free from the selfish habits that keep me away from living the Kingdom of Heaven.  Being saved is no longer having to ask if I am saved. But it also involves a process that takes time, not a single event.  So turning to God, being saved, or whatever you want to call it involves a step towards the lifestyle of serving other human beings with genuine care and concern.  It is showing love and compassion without expecting an immediate reward.  It involves putting my own selfish tendencies aside and reaching out to others.  It is living the Kingdom of Heaven.  But it takes time and effort, and I think this is probably what I am going through.  Thank you for reading.