Today I received another bad news at work. A co-worker is resigning- my assistant. I work as a supervisor at a psychiatric and rehab program. I have been working in this facility for three years now. There is only one co-worker left , out of 12, who is from the original group. And for some reason, I start thinking that people are leaving me, and not the work itself.
I am trying to fight the thoughts of “abandonment” and “loneliness.” After reflecting for a while, I think this is my main issue. I feel as if these experiences bring up the reminder about the possibility of being alone. It is weird because I tend to prefer to be alone in many situations. I am not a social person and crowds are not my favorite places to be. My tendency is to remain isolated in my own happy world; what many people consider an introvert person. But at the same time, this isolation is what I want to avoid. And when people resign in my work place, I have to fight the idea that I am being betrayed… abandoned…. and left alone.
In my early personal life, I experienced several changes of living arrangements, as a result of moving from one place to another. My family moved a total of 17 times in my childhood. And every time it happened, I would have to adjust to new a environment. New peers. New house. New neighborhood. New school. It was also a way to keep me from settling and growing roots. I could not develop strong friendships. As a result, I think I developed a strong sense of insecurity. When I engage in arguments with my wife, I tend to feel extremely anxious. And I wonder if it is because of these same thoughts of being alone.
This may explain why I still struggle with feelings of betrayal and abandonment, which can be manifested in the present time. But at the same time, I am cognitively aware that it is not necessarily “bad” to be alone. It can be a moment of reflection and peace. I enjoy reflecting and meditating. But these feelings of “abandonment” and “betrayal” are often present.
I am actually glad I am reflecting on this, since I also believe that by thinking more about it, I may be able to deal with it better, observe it, and move on.