Monthly Archives: June 2010

Please Pay Attention To What I Am NOT Doing!

Please see what I am not showing you.  It is simply the overwhelming part of me that I so much struggle to hide from you.  From the moment that I leave my house to the minute that I return to it, I live a lie.  I struggle so much to hide from you everything that truly defines who I am.  But I don’t dare to show you, because I am scared.  I am scared of your possible rejection,  prejudice, and mockery.  I want so much to be accepted that I pretend I am all together.  But I am not.  I am truly broken.  I am hurt.  But I am not admitting this brokenness to you, because you might not approve it.  And I want so much to be approved.  I also fear doubting so much stuff that I have been taught, because if I admit my lack of faith, then you can label me as a rebel and a sinner.  I don’t want you to do this to me, because I want to be accepted.  I want to belong, not be excluded because of my unpopular skepticism.  It’s not that I don’t want to believe, it’s just that I feel that I need to search for more.  And the interesting thing is that I am beginning to find it.  It is not the mere teachings and doctrines that I have been trying to convince myself without questioning.  Neither is it a romance that should fill my heart.   It is actually abandoning  what I am accustomed to but still does not feel right.  It is rather daring to think outside myself and reach out to the unkown.  It is now a more inclusive, serving ,and self-less way of living; and it accords even more with what Jesus taught me.  My new way of living resembles more the “self denial”, “narrow path”, “love your enemies”, “hate my parents”, and “turn the other cheek” that Jesus taught.  It reflects more the “blessed are the poor in spirit, peace makers, hungry for justice, and the meek” that Jesus demonstrated. But you might not approve it, and that is why I am scared to share with you.  But please, pay attention to what I am NOT doing, because I can act happy and content, but I am dying inside to let you know that I simply want to be accepted and love you the way Jesus commanded me to love you; without pre-conception and prejudice.   I don’t want to be a hypocrite anymore.   I want to be real with you and embrace our differences.   Can you do the same?