More on faith. I was reflecting today more on the story of Jesus when a follower asked Him to increase his faith, and Jesus said “If you had faith the size of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain to move and it will move”. I reflected that Jesus was teaching that whatever faith I have, it should be enough to be able to do great things. I don’t have to try to have more faith in order to be able to do things, whatever faith I have should be sufficient. Accepting my doubts is ok. Accepting my limitation is fine. This will allow me to let God do the rest through me. One of my wonderful visitors confirmed this in her comment to my previous post. Maybe I have been losing faith in my own effort, losing faith in my own strengths. It is a matter of letting go, rest in Jesus (“come to me all of those who are tired, and I will make you rest”) and allow God to give me the will and the faith to continue serving in the Kingdom of Heaven.
I have also noticed other blogs where people are talking about the importance of faith. Is it a coincidence or God trying to tell me something? I have encountered situations in my current life where my faith has been tested even further. I have felt a few times to simply get on my knees (which I have not done in a while) and simply cry out to Jesus. I have felt sometimes that maybe God is allowing me to go through difficult situations in my personal life, job, and external family members’ lives to give me the opportunity to turn closer to Him. I have been asking for a more profound spiritual life. Not a more religious life, but a more transcendent, genuine, and profound approach towards spiritual growth. But, of course, I did not expect to go through difficult situations and worries as part of this growth. But at the same time I ask myself, how else am I supposed to grow spiritually if it is not through tribulations? I am reminded of Jesus’ words “In this world you will have tribulations” but he promised that He was going to send the Spirit.
But while I am reflecting on all of this, my rational side of the brain starts questioning again. My reasoning starts turning its wheel which makes me think that I should not go back to the “superstitious beliefs” and “fantasy world” of waiting on an invisible God. And this is what I have been living for the past year or so, a non-traditional spiritual lifestyle, but a different kind of spirituality. And it worked for a while, or so I thought. I have learned to serve others as the way to live the Kingdom of Heaven, and I am starting to so this more at work. And I sometimes question why did I ever follow a doctrine that kept me away from living the Kingdom of Heaven. But my reasoning tries to dominate and tells me “Because you were blinded by wishful thinking”. My faith and my reasoning are almost combating. But then I question myself, should they be opposing each other at all? Can’t faith and reason coexist? I have a mind that questions and reflects. Why should it be wrong to do this? It is not the same as lusting, hating, or lying. Questioning and doubting is simply my mind’s way of wanting to learn and to experiment. Why should it be regarded as a sin? But at the same time, why should believing in an invisible God be considered a fantasy or fairy tale? Don’t we believe in the government, what the newspapers say, and other entities without evidence or proof? I think there should be a time for faith, and a time for reasoning. I am afraid of going back to useless religious doctrines. But I am also afraid of slowly drifting away from God. I simply want to find the Truth. I recognize it is a journey, and it takes time. I just hope I am in the right direction.