I am not the person I used to be. I used to pray to God frequently. I used to regularly attend church. I used to read the Bible a lot. But not anymore. Does this mean I am drifting away from God? Does this mean I am less Christian? Or worse, I am not Saved anymore? For those of you who have followed my blog ( and thanks for visiting and commenting), know that I am not a traditional believer. I was raised Catholic, then turned to a Pentecostal, and now I consider myself a Reflective Christian. Reflective because I have learned to welcome doubts and questions as a way to grow spiritually. Christian because I strongly believe in the message that Jesus taught us about the Kingdom of Heaven. But I have found myself not having a close contact with God. However, I am strictly talking about the traditional kneeling down and praying. What I have been doing is reflecting more, reading the Gospel with a different perspective (when I have time), and trying to serve the people I live and work with with more compassion. But lately I have been so busy and so tired, that I have forgotten to reflect, or pay. And I have felt more stress and more fatigue. I can imagine people of “more faith” suggesting that probably I need to seek God , attend church more, and so forth. I can appreciate these suggestions, but I have tried those things before and did not work for me. It might work for others. I am not sure what will work so that I feel closer to God. But God himself is a mystery to me, which I long to know more about.
This is why I have started with the simple message of “loving my neighbor as myself” by serving others unconditionally. I guess I am doing some of this by working with the mentally ill people at my job. But it is truly exhausting. But at the same time, who said that living the Kingdom of Heaven was going to be easy? I try to pray that God somehow brings me extra strength to continue to work with these people. But I remain careless about reflecting (or praying) more about this life. I know I am rambling here, but I just wanted to express my thoughts in this post. Maybe I have already turned closer to God and I have not noticed it yet. Maybe I am actually growing in my faith by reflecting more on how to serve others, instead of thinking about when to read the Bible and figuring out the next time I can attend church. I am no longer a religious person, like I used to be, but I can safely say that I have become more curious and reflective about the spiritual world. So the question remains, am I losing faith? I rather say that I have a different faith, and that I am growing in a different way.
Am I not Saved? Salvation is rather a complicated word, to me. I used to believe that it involves being saved from eternal damnation in a physical hell. Now I believe differently. Being saved is more like being free from the selfish habits that keep me away from living the Kingdom of Heaven. Being saved is no longer having to ask if I am saved. But it also involves a process that takes time, not a single event. So turning to God, being saved, or whatever you want to call it involves a step towards the lifestyle of serving other human beings with genuine care and concern. It is showing love and compassion without expecting an immediate reward. It involves putting my own selfish tendencies aside and reaching out to others. It is living the Kingdom of Heaven. But it takes time and effort, and I think this is probably what I am going through. Thank you for reading.