Just Wondering….

I have been wondering lately:
Is my desire to know God triggered by my fear of being alone?
Do I insist in finding and knowing God more because I don’t want to face an existential desperation?
When I tend to feel a desire to read some portions of the Bible, is it just mere curiosity?
When I sense some enthusiasm when I listen to some Christian music and I shed a tear, is it a simple inspirational, emotional experience, or some true supernatural intervention?
My previous post talks about my willingness to be “tuned it” to God.
Am I being hypocritical by saying I am trying to listen, but at the same time I am doubting and scrutinizing every inspiration I feel regarding the divine?
Is God truly speaking to me…?
And if so, why am I not being more receptive and, instead, I start questioning more?
I am either an undisciplined student and a stubborn, defiant child… or a mere skeptic and an ambitious explorer who does not satisfy with the possibility of the supernatural.

I honestly don’t know what to think. Perhaps I am thinking too much, and not trusting enough.
Perhaps I need to quiet down my questioning thoughts, and simply be.

After all, what am I but a single being, among billions of beings in a tiny planet revolving around a massive star?  And this star is among billions and billions of others stars in a seemingly endless universe.  Why would I be so important?

What is the “self” anyways?  What makes me distinct (and similar) from other beings?  How do I know that this consciousness that I experience, which allows me to perceive “reality,” is the only consciousness I will ever experience?

See?  I can’t stop questioning and wondering about these things.

Just Wondering….


About Noel

I am a person who has realized that this existence is an opportunity to engage in the genuine care and service of others. I have evolved from fundamentalism to a moderate spiritual approach. I am an introvert, an artist, and a a reflecting person who has grown to not fear doubt but to embrace it as a means to growth and increasing closeness to the fullness of life. View all posts by Noel

13 responses to “Just Wondering….

  • brgeem

    Noel, you ask, “Am I being hypocritical by saying I am trying to listen, but at the same time I am doubting and scrutinizing every inspiration I feel regarding the divine?” I suspect a rhetorical question !? I don’t think there is anything hypocritical in honest doubt and questioning and inquiry – isn’t that what the story of St Thomas is about?
    I think there are times when we feel we are absent from God ( again, St Thomas ) and so often we turn that around and suggest God is absent from us. That’s just human nature. My experience is that the closer I get to the Divine the more I have to listen – and listen with care. Again, St Thomas – he wanted to get up close and personal to the divinity of Christ, and he was brave enough to admit out loud that he wasn’t too sure about things.

  • brgeem

    PS “Perhaps I need to quiet down my questioning thoughts, and simply be.” That’s what Job discovered. Contemplative quiet is where, eventually, he heard the voice of God. Even God’s own Son had to go someplace and be quiet – away from it all – to listen to his Father.

    • Noel

      Brgeem, you have inspired me to read more about St Thomas and the book of Job. Your words remind me that I am not alone and that questioning is part of human nature . Thanks.

      • brgeem

        I think there is much, much more to St Thomas than meets the eye. I have never sat happy with the way we use the term ‘doubting’ – to doubt is a positive, not a negative, because it means one is thinking about issues and not blindly accepting them. It’s like the doom and gloom word ‘crisis’ which gets banded about as though the end of the world were upon us. The original Greek is ‘krisis’, and it means opportunity.

  • anaivethinker

    Noel, I don’t think you are hypocritical at all. Doubt is a natural part being human, even atheists doubt sometimes. I think you are being introspective and your rational mind is asking these questions which is good.

    Many thinkers have proposed that belief is generated by the desire for “otherness” such as perfect justice, companionship, health, security, etc. that could not be obtained on earth. This is the essence of Critical Theory and Deprivation Theory. The cliche is that there is a God-shaped hole in our hearts. My question is, why would anyone believe a fantasy? It’s precisely your rational prodding that has brought you here to reevaluate your worldview. Could it be that your existential longing has a true fulfillment like hunger is satisfied by food? Like thirst is satisfied by water? There is no hunger or thirst if there is no bread and wine.

    I think it’s a wonderful thing to let the emotional part, the rational part, and the other motivators in our minds duke it out. We are humans! We have more than one layer and there is no reason to suppress one or more of these. And, this does not need to make any of us the center of the universe. You are dignified, stamped with the image of God, and invaluable. But, also you are called to be a servant of all first and foremost this means placing yourself below others.

    Sorry if that got too preachy.

    • Noel

      Naivethinker your words are an inspiration to me… thanks. I agree with you. I believe there is a true fullfilment to my desire to find and know God more. You did not sound preachie at all . I appreciate your words of wisdom. I sometimes forget that it is ok to feel confused and desperate.

      • brgeem

        Don’t forget, the Disciples were mostly confused, and at the eleventh hour they ran away! But they turned out to be a pretty cool bunch of guys once the Holy Spirit got a hold on them.

  • brgeem

    Not preachy at all anaivethinker, ( naïve either ) but good words. I hope Noel appreciates them – I certainly do!

  • grandfathersky

    Just be and question everything – nothing is as it seems …

  • brgeem

    The first ( and maybe most important ) word of St Benedict’s Rule is ‘listen’ – and to do that one must sit still, in quiet. Little else really.

  • trangworks

    I really like how you pose these questions because I can absolutely relate to how you feel! I have wondered the very same things many times throughout my journey.

  • new-man

    You are a spirit being who possesses a soul (mind) and lives in a physical body of clay.
    1. Your body can be contacted/touched. You can tell if you’re hot or cold by how you feel.
    2. Your soul/mind can be contacted/touched. You can be made angry, sad, happy etc. by words spoken to you or the things you see around you etc.
    3. Your spirit cannot be contacted through the physical. The only way to perceive/understand/envision the spiritual realm/world is through the Word of God.
    Before Scripture there was the Spoken Word, we also have the Written Word and most importantly we have the Living Word – Jesus.
    [In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God…]

    All mankind was first born through Adam – spiritually dead/separated from God. When a person gets reborn/born-again, it is ONLY their spirit that becomes brand new. That person is now born/re-birthed into the family of God, is now a child of God, is now a joint heir with Jesus, and now has the ABILITY of God within them.
    They are now forever righteous and holy – not because of what they have done but because of what Jesus has done on their behalf.
    This is the new-man. Spiritually, this man is perfect, righteous and holy in the sight of God just as Jesus is, because God sees only your spirit.

    Once Christ is within you, your 5-senses no longer have dominion over you.
    Your spirit is recreated but your mind which receives it knowledge from the 5-senses can be renewed and brought into subjection to the Word.

    New Creation Realities – E W Kenyon (can be listened to on u-tube)
    The Two Kinds of Faith – (as above)
    Reigning in Life – 5 part teaching by Andrew Wommack (u-tube)
    God Lives Within You – Creflo Dollar (u-tube)
    New Man Series -Curry Blake (u-tube)

    There’s much more I could say but space and time are factors.

    Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature [a new species or being that never existed before]: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2Cor 5:17

  • Barbara Franken

    Surely our curiosity about life is natural and keeps us moving forward… but what if there was truly no separation, only human experiences to live and feel all the earthly sensations and getting to know ourself, finding out what we like and don’t like and realising that we are unique and just as important and significant as the next person. This is wisdom and compassion… and it has to be felt in our own heart first… Barbara

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