Alone: A reflection of myself

Today I received another bad news at work. A co-worker is resigning- my assistant.  I work as a supervisor at a psychiatric and rehab program.  I have been working in this facility for three years now.   There is only one co-worker left , out of 12, who is from the original group.  And for some reason, I start thinking that people are leaving me, and not the work itself.

I am trying to fight the thoughts of “abandonment” and “loneliness.”  After reflecting for a while, I think this is my main issue.  I feel as if these experiences bring up the reminder about the possibility of being alone.   It is weird because I tend to prefer to be alone in many situations.  I am not a social person and crowds are not my favorite places to be.   My tendency is to remain isolated in my own happy world; what many people consider an introvert person.   But at the same time, this isolation is what I want to avoid.   And when people resign in my work place, I have to fight the idea that I am being betrayed… abandoned…. and left alone.
In my early personal life, I experienced several changes of living arrangements,  as a result of moving from one place to another.  My family moved a total of 17 times in my childhood.  And every time it happened, I would have to adjust to new a environment.   New peers.  New house.  New neighborhood.  New school.  It was also a way to keep me from settling and growing roots.  I could not develop strong friendships.   As a result, I think I developed a strong sense of insecurity.  When I engage in arguments with my wife, I tend to feel extremely anxious.   And I wonder if it is because of these same thoughts of being alone.

This may explain why I still struggle with feelings of betrayal and abandonment, which can be manifested in the present time.  But at the same time, I am cognitively aware that it is not necessarily “bad” to be alone.  It can be a moment of reflection and peace.  I enjoy reflecting and meditating.  But these feelings of “abandonment” and “betrayal” are often present.

I am actually glad I am reflecting on this, since I also believe that by thinking more about it, I may be able to deal with it better, observe it, and move on.

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About Noel

I am a person who has realized that the teachings of Jesus are centralized in the genuine care and service of others. I have evolved from fundamentalism to a moderate spiritual approach. I am a reflecting person who has grown to not fear doubt but to embrace it as a means to growth and increasing closeness to God. View all posts by Noel

8 responses to “Alone: A reflection of myself

  • AligningWithTruth

    Insecurity. Abandonment. Betrayal. Isolation. Familiar-sounding issues Noel. They’re universal, in my opinion. Part of our human experience. They only differ in the degree to which we are affected.

    I hear ya and I’m with ya! Loving thoughts on their way as you ponder…

    ❤ ❤ ❤ NadineMarie ❤ ❤ ❤

  • barbarafranken

    That’s exactly what we can all do Noel… observe our feelings, going deep within our own psych, allowing the person we are now to embrace all that we were… I call it compassionate psychology, just accepting and loving ourself no matter what… Enjoy the day Noel… Barbara…

    p.s. Did you ever read about hooponopono? A guy worked in a hospital for the criminal insane and all he did was sit in a room (separate from the inmates) and repeated the words i love you, i am sorry, please forgive me, thank you… I believe it was 6 months and all the inmates got better. You could try it… maybe it’s something you could do alone…

  • duanetoops

    Thanks for this post! I have an extremely similar temperament and have recently been diagnosed as being clinically depressed. I’ve been reading a couple books recently that I’ve found helpful; “Unholy Ghost” is a collection of essays by various writers discussing their own experiences with melancholy and depression, and “Quiet” a book which explores introversion, it’s elements and and occurences. Both books have been greatly enjoyable so far.

    • Noel

      Thanks for commenting …! I have considered reading Quiet . I am glad u understand. I was diagnosed by a psychologist with general anxiety disorder. But then again I saw the shrink only once since I did not learn anything new about my condition .

      • duanetoops

        Therapy offers a deeper understanding, not novelty. More often the job of the analyst is not to reveal what you didn’t know but, to equip you with the tools to confront and deal with what you’ve known all along. I’ve therapy helpful, not a cure all, but, helpful none the less. You may want to consider giving it another try. Thanks again! Always a pleasure!

      • Noel

        You are right, I guess I did not give it a try like I should have. I am a counselor myself, so I understand something about the importance of helping others reach a deeper understanding. I may not be able to do so on my own.

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