Wanting to Live

I am fed up.  Not happy with myself.  Sick and tired of this life.   No, I am not suicidal.  Nor am I trying to get pity.    This is not an inspirational, uplifting post, nor a New Year’s resolution post either.  It is simply an expression of what I want…what I need.  A new beginning.  A new life.  But I cannot simply start a new life, unless I end the current life.  I have been wanting to start fresh, which I think is part of my spiritual growth.  But it has been harder than I thought. This blog has been a tremendous tool to express this belief.  But my life is something different.  Something that must die for the new to begin.

I am exhausted with the mundane, predictable way of life.  I know (or I think I know) what this life is about, but I am unable to manifest it. The routine keeps me from starting over again.  What life do I want to start? The only true life which I call Kingdom of Heaven.  I strongly believe in surrendering, simplifying, and serving. But it has been difficult. I have been feeling anxious, worried, and taking care of my own selfish agenda instead.  I am sick of it!

I want to be peaceful, generous,  gentle, patient, and grateful.  The latter trait, grateful, is what I really long for.  I would like to be able to say “Thank you” more and less “Why me?”.   I would like to think that this is just a step closer to the peace I long for, instead of just a mundane and purposeless life.  I have thought that maybe I should be completely neutral, and regard this life as “it is what it is”.  But this would be denying the beauty of life, the transcendent aspect of life,  which I know exists, but I have trouble grasping

I can’t think of life as simply a neutral  state of existence.  I believe there is more, but the routine and troubles of life makes it hard to look beyond what my eyes can see.  I tried religion for more than 35 years, it hasn’t worked.  Forcing myself to get congregated in a structured  community that is based on a rigid, exclusive, and manipulative doctrine does not give me the peace and resolution that I long for.  I long for a more inclusive and flexible approach.  I tried socializing more, I am  simply not a social person.  There is so much socializing that I can do before I start feeling  awkward and out of place. The only interaction that I can appreciate and feel comfortable with is blogging.  I have started to try yoga, but the routine does not let me be more consistent.  I also like to do art, which helps me to express myself more. But again, the routine blocks me.  I strongly dislike my current life!

Maybe this experience is normal.  Maybe everyone goes through this some point in their lives.  Don’t know if I should refer this stage in life as “mid life crisis” or simply some “spiritual crisis”, but I am at a point in life where I would like to go away and start fresh.    I am refering to a change of life that I wish I could do in an instant.  I recognize this is childish and wishful thinking.  But it is how I feel right now.  Maybe moving to a different town, closer to the coast.  Yes, that would be refreshing.  And working at a job where I can concentrate on things I enjoy the most (art, charity, counseling). But at the same time, I must acknowledge where I am right now, and be responsible enough to take care of things. I also believe this life is not all there is.  There must be something more…but, what is this “more”?

Thank you for reading.  I may continue in my next post…  Suggestions are welcomed, but not expected.  See you later.

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About Noel

I am a person who has realized that the teachings of Jesus are centralized in the genuine care and service of others. I have evolved from fundamentalism to a moderate spiritual approach. I am a reflecting person who has grown to not fear doubt but to embrace it as a means to growth and increasing closeness to God. View all posts by Noel

28 responses to “Wanting to Live

  • Steve Tanner

    “Maybe everyone goes through this some point in their lives.”

    I don’t know about everybody, but I have gone through it. I have toyed with the idea of tossing a few things in a backpack, taking what little money I had in the bank, sticking out my thumb, and seeing where life would take me. It seems so much simpler than the crap we have to deal with daily. It sounds like FREEDOM when life sucks and you feel pinned down.

    Eventually, I would realize that the price of that freedom might be some nights shivering in the cold, or trying to sleep with hunger pains after the money ran out. I might find some work to get some money, but then that would be like returning to what I am running from. As I realize that I was “romanticizing” this solution, it suddenly occurs to me that this would be running from something.

    I’ll stop here because I am only trying to let you know that I have been there. I do think the details of “there” are probably different for each individual, and I am not trying to say you are running from something… that is simply where it went for me. I think we probably have to work through this on our own, but don’t feel alone in this. I believe it is called the “dark night of the soul.”

    You might check out this blog and see if it “rings any bells”:
    http://sunchildblog.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/depression-dark-night-of-the-soul/

    Blessed be, my friend.

    • Noel

      Steve, you are right, I may be running from something, maybe routine, superficial lifestyle, meaninglessness….. but I am sure I want to run towards a more fulfilling lifestyle. I think I am already on my way, it just takes a few bumps to get there. Thanks for the link, I can certainly identify with the Dark Night of the Soul.

      • Steve Tanner

        “I can certainly identify with the Dark Night of the Soul.”

        All that you speak reveals that the illusion of this world is falling away, hence the “disillusionment.” Unfortunately, the work is only partially done. You feel a sense of loss because of the “egoism” that Jason writes about; it hasn’t fully dissolved, yet. The good news is that you are probably right about already being on your way to a more fulfilling life.

        This is something that has to run its course. It is different for each person because we are unique individuals, and we are each a work in progress. If I remember the things you have written correctly, you asked for this. That should be sufficient encouragement to help you tie a knot in the end of your rope and hang on until the work is finished.

        Blessed be.

      • hopeful_watcher

        True words Steve. When I went through I called it my mourning process. Like those who mourn each do it differently and its essential to move to the next step.

        Noel, that might be a good way to look at it. You have to mourn the death of you fleshy self.

      • Steve Tanner

        “Mourning” seems like the appropriate word!

      • Noel

        Hopeful_watcher, Yes, mourning might be an accurate description. I sometimes wish I could have the faith I once had because it gave me a sense of security, it made me feel close to the concept of a personal God. But I then remember how finite this “faith” was, just to return to disillusionment. Jesus gave the parable of the seed in fertile soil. Will the fertile soil mean to stay put in my Christian faith no matter how much my mind and life experience lead me to seek God outside the “Christian God”? Or does the fertile soil mean staying put in trusting that God will lead me to the Truth without feeling guilty for abandoning the traditional Christian faith?

  • Mark Ketchum

    Noel… I continue to pray that you find what you are looking for… brother. My only suggestion would to be this… focus less on you and more on Christ. Make yourself less and Him more. You seem so self involved in your blogs…

    “this is what I want to do, this is how I feel, I’m tired of this, exhausted by this, want to serve more, want to do more, etc..”

    Focus on giving yourself to Christ fully and without reservation and see where He takes you. Less on what you want and more of what He wants for you.

    God Bless.

  • theWomanAtTheWell

    more? Mat.7:7, start there and dont give up,God is with you.Blessings of love from our Father in heaven, may you find what you seek, sir. -WATW

  • 1man4christ

    Most men go through this between the ages of 30 – 50. Don’t fret my friend… With GOD nothing is impossible. Keep your faith, stay steadfast in following our Lord Jesus, and things will work out. GOD’s timing is always perfect. This season in your life is a test of your faith. May you pass it with ease, and a stronger passion for Christ.
    Godspeed.
    1M4C

  • hopeful_watcher

    All of those traits you desired are present in the Holy Spirit, especially grateful. Through the Holy Spirit given by Jesus Christ Is the ONLY way to know these traits while ridding ourselves of fleshy desires.

    I was there too Noel, recently. My company of ten year tanked leaving my family In debt with no savings. I was drunk every night, living out inappropriate relationships. I was angry at the world and hated where I was. I came very close to committing what I call “spiritual suicide” where I blasphemed God, held up my fist and screamed I hate you.

    Then I had a personal encounter and I never looked back. I know many people do no believe in him anymore, but if there is a holy spirit then there is most definitely demonic spirits. So if you wonder why in this life we always seem to be striving for happiness and filling in the holes in our lives, reaching for something just out of our reach then realize there are evil forces against you making it so. This is what the holy spirit teaches us . That these things that seem so.important really are not and we simply must let them slip from our grasp and we will be handed happiness that we never imagined was possible. It may sound a bit Zen, but we try too hard and the finding is in trying less… At earthly stuff anyway.

    Read Ecclesiastes. It’s all pointless. Chasing after the wind. The only thing left is being a good and faithful servant of God.

    • Noel

      Hopeful Watcher, how exactly did you have the “personal encounter”? I thought I had these encounters many times in my life, just to return to a mundane, purposeless life. I am glad you found peace.

      • hopeful_watcher

        The personal encounter was an act of nature at a most needed time. Everything was going wrong and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Then one day on my way to some place I shouldn’t have been going and feeling totally sick inside, the dismal and overcast day opened its sky to a breath taking scene of the clouds breaking and the suns rays shining through them in a perfect arc with beams of light evenly spaced. It was like an upside down rainbow of brilliant white light. I stopped on the side of the road and wept. Beauty that magnificent is amazing when seen in person. Then a feeling of total peace came over me that God was in control and was calling me out of my sin and back to His side. That I wasn’t alone and He was there all along.

        I repented, changed my actions asked for mercy and forgiveness from those I have wronged, and tried my best to stay on the narrow path.

        Life now has a purpose and a point and it has been assigned by God. Ask him what your assignment is and you will find your “fulfilling lifestyle” in which you seek. Guaranteed!!

  • Cindy Holman

    Thanks for your honesty. I’m sure MANY people feel exactly this way – but never admit it. Merry Christmas to you, Noel.

  • teresa2paradise

    Hi Noel,

    Thank you for visiting and giving me a “like”.

    In response to your post, “Yes”, most of us who spent our lives “seeking” the Creator, have gone through the same thing you are experiencing. It’s really a common experience shared with many others. Your comments on church vs. Jesus (Yahshua) are very insightful, and contain much truth.

    Would love to share with you how to come successfully through “Burn Out”. You and many others in the same boat are blogging now, and it’s inspired a more extensive writing on breaking out into freedom from “Burn Out” to be posted tomorrow.

    PAPA (Heavenly Father) showed me a vision of a fruit tree as He posed questions for me to answer. In short, He asked me if I had ever seen a fruit tree straining, grunting and pushing to squeeze out fruit. It was a funny picture. I could just imagine a fruit tree – it was an apple, that was grunting, groaning and stressing out – all to no avail. Nothing popped out.

    The apple tree just looked weird as it squatted, grunted and moaned like a severely constipated human.

    I smiled. Then, PAPA said “How does a fruit tree bring forth much fruit?” By ABIDING. By ABIDING in the earth, water, and sunshine. Do this and stay in MY PRESENCE, and I will love through you. I will DO THE WORKS through you. I will show forth My joy in you, and laugh with you. I will DO the DOING. While you just “BE”.

    He also said “You are not called to BE LIKE YAHSHUA”. YOU ARE CALLED TO LET HIM BE WHO HE IS THROUGH YOU.” Just surrender, let go, and cooperate. You’ll know when its ME because its easy, its light, and full of joy, peace, and contentment.

    In religion, people get used to pulling a really heavy wagonload of “stuff” uphill all the way. This religious “work” finally wears us out, or hardens people into just accepting it as, giving up.

    Yahshua said in Matthew 11 “Come unto ME. All you who are weary, heavy-laden, burdened, and I will give you rest… Learn of Me.” You learn of HIM BY SPENDING TIME WITH HIM.

    It is the difference between pulling that heavily loaded wagon uphill with all the accompanying straining, striving and pulling. Or…

    Or, you stepping into the cart and seating yourself beside Yahshua the Divine Driver. You are just “along for the ride”. Sit back and take life easy as you ride along with HIM.

    HE IS DECIDING – YOU ARE RIDING.

    To “believe” (in the YHWH sense of the word), the ancient way of “believe” is a UNION. TO BECOME ONE WITH THE KING OF LOVE. TO CLING TO HIM, BECOME ONE WITH HIM, BE SO UNITED WITH HIM THAT YOU HEAR HIS THOUGHTS, AND SEE WITH HIS EYES.

    ABIDING IN HIS PRESENCE.

    As you simply quietly enjoy His Presence, He imparts in a millisecond flash of insight the discernment that explains it.
    For example, you might see a small child curled up in his Daddy’s arms, melting into his Daddy’s chest with one tiny hand holding onto Dad’s ear. The baby’s head is resting on Daddy’s shoulder, looking up at him. Suddenly in a flash of discernment, PAPA says to you “Son, that’s what I want to do. I want to carry you, comfort you, and hold you safe. Just melt into My arms”.

    Just like “Hopeful Watcher” who shared about his “encounter”, it happens in a sudden flash faster than lightning. Then, joy fills your soul, happy tears in your eyes, and you space out for several seconds. Those around you might wonder “where did he go?” But, you just had an encounter with the greatest DADDY there is. HE showed you His heart.

    Bless you as you seek HIM. Teresa “Come and visit again sometime http://walkingwithyahshua.wordpress.com/

    • Noel

      Teresa, thank you for the great response! I have been reminded by fellow bloggers like yourself to let God work through me, which I understand and agree, but don’t seem to actually do. I also recognize that I don’t have to work harder than I have to, for God will work through me. It is more profound than just saying “God is in control”. It is a daily reminder to live in the present moment, away from preoccupation and regrets, and just live. I love your analogy of the abiding tree. this is so appealing and so true! However, it has been difficult to do because I live in the routine. I live in a society that demands me to work, pay bills, buy, take care of family, and get up in the morning to do the same thing all over again. But Jesus reminded us not to worry about everyday things, to seek Kingdom of Heaven (which to me means serve God by serving others) , and to rest in Him. Jesus’ teachings about life seems more meaningful to me now than it was in the past. I will have to stop worrying about practicing the Kingdom, and actually rest and wait for God to give me the opportunity. My analytical mind doesn’t want to wait, but my spirit is willing. God bless.

      • Catie Eliza

        Awesome! I know this is an OLD post but I just was having a bit of a dig through your posts and the comments made. How is it going? :] xx

      • Noel

        Catie, it is actually getting better. I have felt a little more peace in life, although sometimes I go back to feeling anxious. I remind myself about Patience, Peace, Presence.

  • jasonswartz

    Noel I was going to write something but then I read what teresa2paradise
    wrote and I don’t feel I need to write a 3000 word essay now. LOL However I will still make an effort to write way to much, cause thats how I roll =)

    Inside you there are flowers and weed (good qualities/bad qualities). Concentrate on nurturing your good qualities and allow them to flourish. The bad qualities will continue to surface, recognize them but do not directly fight them. Merely put a restriction on them and make effort not to use them. However do not get frustrated with these qualities only concentrate on the flowers. Then the flowers in ya will grow strong and gradually the weeds will fade into the background. Focus on developing the good qualities during your studies.

    Do not be against evil, because what we resist persists. Instead be for Good. Being against stuff carries the wrong energy for change. Being for something is the proper perspective. Remember that you must love your enemy. This goes for the enemy within you, allow it to be and pay no more attention to it and allow the good in you to flourish. While you study recognize the evil within you and ask the Creator to change this nature within you, Say to yourself that when you study your are asking the creator to change you, your study and work is your prayer for reforming your nature.

    Do not fight your nature because you are fighting the ego with the ego. Instead recognize the ego within you…. how it hurts you and others and yearn and desire for the Creator to adorn you with the Holy Spirit (New Nature). Your yearning to truly change will attract the Light surrounding your soul, which will do the changes. All you need is a true desire to change and a yearning for salvation. I call the Light that reforms us the Creators only begotten, it is the offspring of His Essence. It is like a spiritual force emanating from the Creators Essence. It is the bridge between man and HIM. We can attract the Light (Messiah) into our soul by a desire to be saved from our present inner state (spiritual exile). Let your recognition of evil within you, become your work. You reveal a certain need for correction and then you study with an intention that the Creator will reform this nature. Then a little more of your darkness appears and you study and ect ect. Don’t get discourage, it is great that you see all the changes that must occur, now yearn and pray like a dying man for the creator to send the hellp and the correction. Put in the effort and the change will happen, but don’t force it have faith in the system and the Upper One.

    Right now you are in the birthing pains of your new nature. The next big step into the great Unknown, go with the flow my friend go with the flow. My transformation took about 12 years of walking symbolically in the wilderness. You are in between 2 worlds in a way. You are not alone and you are doing great.

    .

    • Noel

      Jason, it is certainly a step to the Unknown. Your suggestions are perfect for me at this time in my spiritual journey, because today I have tried to let go, be patient, and not be discouraged by my shortcomings. I will recognize the ego and evil within me, accept it, and continue to yearn for good so that God can work in me. You are an excellent teacher. thank you.

      • jasonswartz

        I can assure you that when that click happens you will not walk away from the bible and from what Jesus is telling us. No you will have an even more profound appreciation for the prophets and want Jesus was saying. You are only walking away from the externality of religion, and entering the deep internality of it. Like the surface of all beings it is not the truth, yet deep within all of us is the truth. Let the people living on the surface of the Gospel fight over definitions and the theology. Leave the surface of things and enter the deepths, for all people who have reached the deepths speak the same language. Love is not an emotion my friend, but an awareness.

        Let others fight and try and lead you left and right down there own path, but once you reach what you have been looking for things will become very very simple. But until that happens it will become very very complex. LOL

        Remeber one thing truth does not need to be defended, it is there to defend you.

        !00% truth is given to a seeker of truth 5% at a time. 5% is not truth but you have to live 5% before you get 10%. Every level on the way to truth is false, because it is only a percentage. When you find the 100% you will love the 1, 2,5, 45, 78% truth because each near truth has its purpose and merit.

        Everybody is at different % of truth, and they have a right to believe the level they are at, so never try and give your percentage away to another. It cannot be done.

      • Steve Tanner

        “I can assure you that when that click happens you will not walk away from the bible and from what Jesus is telling us.”

        I actually testify to this in my December 11th post “Of Earth and Sky.” You will find it near the end. The actual words were:

        “Many years ago, I walked away from a man, a congregation, a church, and a religion. In retrospect, that seems simple. Through shamanism I came to realize that I had not and could not walk away from the Christ.”

        Once you are touched by the Spirit of Truth and Beauty, you cannot walk away.

      • Noel

        Steve, I remember reading this line from “Of Earth and Sky”. I also believe that I am getting closer to Jesus as I distant myself from religion and church. Ironic, but true.

      • Noel

        Jason, I had an experience something like what you described… about two years ago when I read the Gospel of Matthew and had a different perspective, focusing on the Sermon on the Mount…. I just have to continue to believe that God can continue to gradually mold me. I don’t know my current percentage, but I hope it keeps growing. Thanks my friend.

  • nadinemarie33

    Noel, I read this post after I responded to your comment in my site. I asked you what is the “stressful job and life” that you currently have and would like to walk away from. I now have a better idea of what you’re going through. It is tough and I’m sorry it’s painful for you. I can totally relate. You’ve been given tons of advice already. My wake-up call was in 1998 and I continue to search. And I learn, grow and evolve in the process. It’s like, the more I know, the more I don’t know. I also constantly remind myself that when something doesn’t happen according to how, what or when I want, it’s because the Universe has something BETTER. Patience indeed is a virtue, something that I myself am still mastering. Blessings Noel and love & light!!!

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