I am fed up. Not happy with myself. Sick and tired of this life. No, I am not suicidal. Nor am I trying to get pity. This is not an inspirational, uplifting post, nor a New Year’s resolution post either. It is simply an expression of what I want…what I need. A new beginning. A new life. But I cannot simply start a new life, unless I end the current life. I have been wanting to start fresh, which I think is part of my spiritual growth. But it has been harder than I thought. This blog has been a tremendous tool to express this belief. But my life is something different. Something that must die for the new to begin.
I am exhausted with the mundane, predictable way of life. I know (or I think I know) what this life is about, but I am unable to manifest it. The routine keeps me from starting over again. What life do I want to start? The only true life which I call Kingdom of Heaven. I strongly believe in surrendering, simplifying, and serving. But it has been difficult. I have been feeling anxious, worried, and taking care of my own selfish agenda instead. I am sick of it!
I want to be peaceful, generous, gentle, patient, and grateful. The latter trait, grateful, is what I really long for. I would like to be able to say “Thank you” more and less “Why me?”. I would like to think that this is just a step closer to the peace I long for, instead of just a mundane and purposeless life. I have thought that maybe I should be completely neutral, and regard this life as “it is what it is”. But this would be denying the beauty of life, the transcendent aspect of life, which I know exists, but I have trouble grasping
I can’t think of life as simply a neutral state of existence. I believe there is more, but the routine and troubles of life makes it hard to look beyond what my eyes can see. I tried religion for more than 35 years, it hasn’t worked. Forcing myself to get congregated in a structured community that is based on a rigid, exclusive, and manipulative doctrine does not give me the peace and resolution that I long for. I long for a more inclusive and flexible approach. I tried socializing more, I am simply not a social person. There is so much socializing that I can do before I start feeling awkward and out of place. The only interaction that I can appreciate and feel comfortable with is blogging. I have started to try yoga, but the routine does not let me be more consistent. I also like to do art, which helps me to express myself more. But again, the routine blocks me. I strongly dislike my current life!
Maybe this experience is normal. Maybe everyone goes through this some point in their lives. Don’t know if I should refer this stage in life as “mid life crisis” or simply some “spiritual crisis”, but I am at a point in life where I would like to go away and start fresh. I am refering to a change of life that I wish I could do in an instant. I recognize this is childish and wishful thinking. But it is how I feel right now. Maybe moving to a different town, closer to the coast. Yes, that would be refreshing. And working at a job where I can concentrate on things I enjoy the most (art, charity, counseling). But at the same time, I must acknowledge where I am right now, and be responsible enough to take care of things. I also believe this life is not all there is. There must be something more…but, what is this “more”?
Thank you for reading. I may continue in my next post… Suggestions are welcomed, but not expected. See you later.