This question was asked to me by my uncle who is suffering from lung cancer that has spread to his brain. He has been given days to live.

I did not know what to say. Should I tell him what I have heard? Should I try to change the subject? Should I lie? I froze.

I could have used logic and say “We are all going to die…” Or I could have minimized it and said “Don’t worry… you are fine…” Or perhaps I could have denied it and say “No, you are not .” Others would have probably used religion by talking about God and the “plan of salvation.” Would this be ok? Do I have the authority to talk to a dying person about what to do to go to heaven, when I have my own faults?  My own doubts?

Death is such an awful thing to accept.  It is difficult to finally face the reality that one day a loved one and all of us are going to cease to exist on this earth.

Cancer is a monster.  It is a way for the cells to replicate faster than it can get rid of, ultimately killing the whole body. It is a way for the body to slowly commit suicide.  Scary.  If I had a completely objective mind, the thought of cancer would be simply a medical condition that just happens. But since I have feelings, goals, intentions, wills, and hopes, thinking about this makes be very uncomfortable.

Is it possible to accept death without any fear?  I have learned that we all have a fear of death from birth.  As babies we cry when hungry, cold, bored, or in pain.  All of these experiences, if not taken care of, will ultimately lead to death.  When we are adolescents, we crave for acceptance and identity, something that will lead to feeling abandonment, isolation , and ultimately death if not addressed.  As adults, we want to marry, earn a career, have possessions, and have a purpose in life,  which will bring us to depression and anxiety if not accomplished because it means that we will be closer to having or being nothing, which is related to death.

If we are going to die anyways, why do we fear is so much?  It happens to everybody.  Why do we always try to ignore it and pretend it is not going to happen?   Is it the fear of the unknown?  Should we learn to accept it as we learn to accept failures, discomfort and pain?  Analyzing about why we fear death does not help me to alleviate the fear.

We have the concept of eternity.  We long to live forever.  Does this mean that we can actually live forever?

I don’t have the answers.  I am not sure if anyone does.  All I know is that one day we will all have to confront our end.  I hope that before that happens, I will be able to do what I enjoy the most and gives me purpose in life:  spend time with my children, paint, go to the beach, learn to play the guitar, visit other countries like Italy and Japan, and much more.  Today is the day to do these things.

However,  I also try to remind myself that I don’t want to be here simply to meet my own selfish desires.  I want to also be other people’s blessings.  I want to help others feel loved and important.  I should not only strive for the things I want for myself.  I want to also be part of a whole.

I recently read the quote “To be happy is not to have what I want.. but to want what I have”.  Great words of inspiration!   Being content with what I already have should be my life’s purpose.  That is why I also long for simplicity.

Maybe being content with my current life will help me to accept death more.  Maybe being happy with what I have accomplished and how I have blessed others should give me peace of mind.  Perhaps wanting to continue to help others in need should be my ongoing journey until it all ends.  Maybe death is like graduation.  A stage in life where I look back and acknowledge my losses and triumphs, always thinking that it is all about helping my fellow human beings.

What did I actually say to my uncle you may be asking?  I looked at those big green eyes staring at me…. thought for a few seconds and said “I don’t know for sure… all I know is that you are still here with us today…you have accomplished a lot in your life…  and we are happy to have you right now…. because we love you.”

How can I continue to take life for granted? I must stop myself from being so blinded.

Between intention and action there is a great abyss.  I think of all the love that we tend to miss.

I ponder on my family and close  friends. Cannot escape the notion that it will all end.

Ignoring that we’re mortals has its price.  We should appreciate more this wonderful  life.

It is better to continue the act of giving, instead of crying for the ones who are leaving.

Hug your children.  Laugh some more.  Enjoy the horizon at the shore.

We are not eternal, at least on this earth. So deny yourself and have a rebirth.

The ones who are dying will leave us forever.  The ones who stay need more than a prayer.

Let us live our purpose loud and clear.  Caring for those who are still here.

For example, I have changed the way I perceive others by being less judgmental.  I have changed my attitude about food and adopting a healthier diet.  I have changed the way I approach life in general, by acting more simplistic and be content with the few.  I have started to empty myself more and more to a point of desiring to be Nothing.  Yes, you  read it right.  I want one day to be Nothing.  No, I am not writing about ending my physical life as in suicide.  I am talking about ending my life as in spiritual death.  Dying so that I can live.  And in order to die, I must become Nothing.

Isn’t this what the spiritual journey is all about?  By becoming Nothing, I can actually become something new.  Isn’t this what the concept of God is all about?   Isn’t it true that in order to experience God, I must first empty myself from selfish agendas… divorce myself from myself?    Isn’t it true that in order to meet God, I must first separate myself from all the fullness that this world and  that my five senses have perceived as necessary?  Isn’t it true that I must be Nothing so that I can be something?  Maybe by being Nothing, I am already experiencing God.  Maybe I must stop wishing to be something different, and simply be Nothing.

What about God?  The concept of God is too transcendent and great for my limited mind to comprehend.  It is inconceivable.  Like the idea of Nothingness is inconceivable.  Can you perceive being nothing?  Can you grasp the notion of being before existence?  I cannot.  What would it be like to  be nothing?  Maybe God knows… or maybe the path towards God is through Nothingness.

Can you perceive God?  I cannot, the same way I cannot perceive Nothingness.  If God is experienced through Nothingness  then His existence is not the same as my existence, because I exist because I was created, I am something.  God  is beyond what I can ever comprehend.  This is why, the closest notion of God I can possibly have in my limited mind is the concept of Nothingness.

Peace. Calm. Serenity.  Surrendering. These concepts bring me closer to God.  Closer to Nothingness.

At the same time, I have understood that God is love, or we can experience a glimpse of God when we practice genuine and selfless caring for others.   Still, this definition of Love requires emptying myself… creating space in me…. so that I am able to reach out and help others selflessly.

It requires sacrifice.  It involves denying my self.  It requires leaning towards Nothingness.

The closer I get to Nothingness, the closer I get to God.

Therefore, I am becoming Nothing.

When I arrived at the hospital where my uncle is, I had a casual conversation with him.  I started to contemplate on this life.  Why do we have to go through so much pain? I reflect like this often, but especially during the time that a loved one is about to leave us.  What is going on through my uncle’s head?  What would he be thinking? We talked about the weather, the news, movies, the past, etc.  He seems ok.  But to think that maybe in one or two days he will be permanently gone puzzles me. It is not the same hearing about other people dying, and meeting your uncle probably two days before he dies.

Maybe this experience is to help me get prepared for more losses in my life, .i.e. Papi.  Maybe I need to see my uncle in this condition so that I can be more accustomed to death.  Because, whether we like it or not, death is inevitable.  We have to accept it, either as a transition to another life, liberation from physical pain, unity with the unknown, or termination of existence.  We don’t like to talk about it.  We all do so many things in life to distract ourselves from this cold reality.  We occupy ourselves with selfish agendas, pretending to be immortal beings.  We like to live an illusion of eternal life.  This is probably why we create religions that promise eternal salvation after this limited life.  But at the same time, the evidence of something greater than ourselves is clear, I think.

We are simply sleeping.  We are unconscious.  We are unaware of what is actually out there, waiting for us.  But because we are not conscious of it yet, because we have no certainty of what awaits us on the other side, we prefer to pretend it is not going to happen.  But it will.  We are sleeping beings who one day, I believe, will be awakened to what is really there.  We think we are awake now, and will sleep eternally upon death.  But I think it is the other way around. We are sleeping, and will be awakened…. when the time comes.

So I said a brief prayer before I left the hospital.  My uncle then said “I will probably last another 30 years…!” I smiled and said “Amen to that!”  What else could I say?  I will probably not see him again, on this side of existence.  Maybe the next time I see him will be when it is time for me to wake up, and meet my two uncles, and anyone else who have awakened by then.  Maybe when I am awake, I will be able to see the reality of the unknown.  But until then,  all I can do is wait and believe.

Beginning, or end.

Wherever I am, I can always say I am here.

Either when I am sinking in torment,

Or when I am gratefully experiencing  joy,

Wherever I am, I can always say I am here.

Even when  night or sunlight falls on me,

Whatever situation encompasses me,

Whenever I am, I can always say I am here.

During self doubt and insecurity,

Or during self-confidence and faith,

Whichever I am, I can always say I am here.

Others would not always be here.

For sometimes I am alone, in my personal journey,

Whomever I am with, I can always say I am here.

In cold or warmth, hatred or love,

when sad or angry, eager or stagnated.

However I feel, I can always say I am here.

Human…. soul…. being….. spirit.

Lost….. or Saved.

Whatever I am, I can always say I am here.

Surrendering  my self means surrendering to my patriotism, my religion ,  my race, my ethnicity, my economic status, and everything that my mind has fabricated to protect my vulnerable ego.  It is giving up the part of my life that I use to hide my insecurity.  I am none of those things that people have tried to drill in my mind.  I am not the person that others want me to be.  I am simply me.  But in order to be me, I must surrender to all those facade that I have become addicted to, because they give me a false sense of security.  And how liberating it is to be simply me!  It is an adventure to simply give up the part of me that is really not me. It can be scary, but this is the beauty of this liberation.

It takes effort to have joy.  It takes courage to have a gift.

This is exactly what Presence brings, and what Surrendering is.

What surrounds me, what I perceive in the environment, is usually interpreted in a certain way, based on my previous experience.  Therefore, I associate everything I see, hear, smell, touch, and taste in a particular, subjective way.  Can I perceive without associating, without judging, without the mental filter I usually use and perceive them “as it is”?

How about the self?  The thoughts that I have in my mind create the self, or do them? In my experience, I have learned that the self is based on subjective perceptions of the world, like the surrounding.  Other perceive me or my self as a different entity, based on their experience. I have seen my self as an individual of a particular race, gender, age, ethnicity, personality, with distinct interests, talents, biases, attitudes, etc.   And I have started to wonder, how accurate is all of this?  If I really think about it, it is all in my mind.  I have chosen to create it based on what I have learned in my 30 plus years on this earth.  I have fabricated the universe inside my mind. But…. what is really out there?

Is there an objective self?  An objective surrounding?  If I somehow accomplish to perceive the surrounding and the self as they really are, will I cease to be human?  Or will I become a new self, or the “real self”?  Some would call this “enlightenment” or “salvation”.  Saved from what?  Perhaps from the illusion I have created in my mind.

Is it possible to deny the self? Jesus taught we could and should in order to “follow Him”.  Buddha also taught that the self is an illusion. Hinduism also assumes that the world we perceive is an illusion.

Are we truly individuals? Are we somehow connected to each other but don’t know it yet?  Maybe to be united with God, Nirvana, heaven, or whatever you want to call it, is to experience the self and the surrounding “as it is”.  Without bias. Without interpretation.  Without association.  Just as it is.

Is this possible?

We are mirrors that may reflect the Light, if we choose to.

The love for others is what this Light demands of me and you.

The act of compassion, forgiveness, and service; it’s  all about connection.

How much love we put into what we do is what determines our reflection.

How much flavor we give to life depends on how much we give and care.

Or we may remain opaque and dull, and indulge in our own affairs.

But the Light is always there, waiting for us to meet  many needs.

By clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, helping  the “least of these.”

We could fight for justice, equality, and friendships.

We may create peace and maintain relationships.

But we must remain  meek, so that our image can be clear.

Embracing suffering, but living in joy, avoiding all fear.

We must clean ourselves by being poor, like gold purified by fire.

We are mirrors that reflect the Light, if we so desire.

Sadly, it is not all good.

Speaking with my wife today, it was a harsh reminder of the reason for my existence.

She has always felt she is here to help orphans.

Since she was a preteen she felt it in her heart.

Similarly I have felt that the reason for my existence is to serve the needy.

Should I perceive our individual callings as a sign from above?

Strangely we both feel we have wasted most of our lives with selfish agendas.

Simultaneously we have seen how much suffering continue  in this world.

Sickness, hunger, injustices, poverty, natural disasters…the list goes on.

Since when did we humans forget that we are all the same?

Strangely  I hear some people say “it’s all good” when it is not true.

Selfish lifestyles keep us from seeing the truth.

Sincerity and humility is what we need to practice.

Spirituality and not religion is exactly what we should endorse.

Sitting down with my wife and discuss about our calling is my next plan

So that we can finally start living the Kingdom of Heaven.

Sensitivity to the suffering is my urgent message to my readers today

Simplify our lives and Serve the needy

Surrender to the realization that it is not all good.

From strict to flexible…. from desperate to hopeful,…. from being afraid of death, to being prepared for the transition to the next life…. from idolizing God, to serving God….. from religion to spirituality…. from feeling guilty for doubting, to  accepting doubt as a tool to know God more…. from being stagnated to being fluid and constantly changing.   From pretending to be certain about this life, to continuing to seek …. from knowing to being comfortable with the unknown…. from trying to convince others that my views are right, to acknowledging my mistakes.

I am tired…. but the river keeps going in spite of the rock and pebbles. I am without answers, but the river keeps flowing closer  to the Truth.

Sometimes the river reaches a waterfall, where it simply gives in to gravity…. and falls.  From being desperate and wanting immediate answers, to  patience….. from experiencing confusion and worries, to experiencing peace. …. from being spiritually distracted with specific doctrines, to experiencing presence.   From resisting and avoiding pain, to surrendering.  From living a superficial life, to simplicity.  From wanting to survive, to wanting to serve.

I am a river.